The Hardest Goodbye...

 

He text me, he said tonight he would like to take me out to the Tasik Titiwangsa. I replied "ok", i wonder why Tasik Titiwangsa? because many other nice places in KL, why he choose lake? After a work we straight to the Tasik Titiwangsa. The traffic is heavy, but we manage to arrive before Azan Maghrib. I told him that im hungry, i haven't lunch at office, then We had our dinner at local restaurant in front of lake. I didn't talk much while us having dinner.

Him : Senyap nau makan..

Me : hehe, lapar

Him : huhhh

Actually, i have a lot to says, but i dont know how to start. I dunno how to say that i dont want him to leave me and i dunno how to say that im not okay!

Him : Lets walking at the lake..

Me : Lets go.. burn the calories.. haha

Me : this place is nice when night...

Him : That why i want us to come here.

Me : we always come here for morning jogging but this time at night.. the view pretty amazing..

Him : jamiey, let’s take a picture

I run ahead, then i asked him to take my picture with view of Twin Tower KLCC behind me.

Him : hahahahahaha.. next pose

Me : again?

Him : another one..

Me : okay..

Him : again..

Me : again???

Him : hahaha

Me : done? Hahaha Him : (Nodded)

Then we walked and seat at chair nearby the lake. we feel good after laugh.

Him : jamiey, while im not in Kl, please take care yourself, lock your door, please lock your door after enter your house. Even you tired, the first thing you must do is lock the door and the front gate.

Me : okay... i know

Him : i worries about you

Me : ..............

Him : are you okay?

Me : Yes.. im okay, i feel tired.

Him : .............

Me : ...............

Me : How ur preparation to Penang?

Him : ....... idunno

Me : Penang is busy state, the stakeholders is rough, u may being exhausted.

Him ; huhh

Me : Many occasion and golf networking that u need to attend on weekend.

Him : hurmmm

Me : Many meeting, and networking business, u may back late at night.

Him : haihhh

I was an Assistant Executive Officer at Lembaga Pembangunan Pelaburan Malaysia (MIDA) in Sarawak before moving to KL. The two states in Malaysia that have attracted the greatest foreign investors are Penang and Johor. The first and second men at MIDA State must therefore be powerful both mentally and physically. For a male officer to be transferred to the state or overseas office, our management will essentially need that he be unmarried, and if he is married his job need to be prioritise. When I was in state, I always remember that the director rarely spent time with his family and he had to be available throughout the weekend in case management from headquarters showed up. Working for the state wasn't easy because we also had to network extensively with other government organisations by going to opening ceremonies, seminars, festivals, and other events. And for that reason, I generally can feel that he will throughout the same things.

Him : i will visit u after 2 week every month.

Me : Don’t say that, don’t make it sound like promise, i don’t want feel hope.

Him : I will jamiey..

Me : i dunno how to carry my days without you.. i feel loss now.. i cant focus at work. I hate this feeling..

My tear falling down, I can’t hold myself…..

Me : sory, i don’t mean to cry in front u, even i hate myself if people look me cry.

Him : ..............

Me : i don’t understand why this happen to us, but i will always remind myself that all this may not happened without HIS willingness.

Him : jamiey, i won’t leave you alone, i always here anytime u need me..

Me : ...............

Him : sometimes i can feel myself hold an anger and curse toward people that put me into this situation.

Me : People told me it just 3 years, but it’s not them who will come first when i need help or sick. it’s You!

Him: i didn't ask to be promoted and i willing to resign if this make my life difficult.

Me : Im feel sick when they said "career development".

He had rejected transfer to Kedah before he was offered to Penang. I persuaded him to decline the offer to Kedah as he was hesitant to live far from town after staying in KL over 18 years since his graduation, he told me he was concerned about going to Kedah because the city is quiet after 9pm. I’m help him wrote the email for declined the offer. I thought that we are safe after we sent the email. After a month passed he received another offer to Penang, I helped him wrote a formal letter, and this time we both anxious and we knew we couldn't be feeling safe and assured. Every time I went out with him I asked him either he received a feedback from management, he said no. When i was at office my colleague asked me about the feedback from management, the frequent question from them made me feel something wasn’t right, because the concern their raised appear as seem they knew something. Apparently, a month ago all his colleagues are aware that he will be transfer, but what happens to me? I didn't know! he asked everyone to keep the story away from me as he was concern about how I might feel.

 I understand, it's not just me who feels the hardest goodbye, he feels the same way too, we both feel and carry the pain in our hearts. We didn't show each other how we felt on the inside because we were both trying to be strong. I recall him saying that at his age, he got tired of learning new things and getting tired of being ambitious. He just wants to be calm and do his basic tasks without trying hard to learn new things. I agree with him, that what I wanted too, at this age what I am looking for is to build family like what other women did. I’m done chasing my career and I’m done being ambitious!

Jamieylah💗
xoxo